


What I Do Not Have

by blueelvewithwings



Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II, Dragon Age: Origins - Awakening
Genre: Fenris and Anders do not know how feelings work so they get some help, Getting Together, M/M, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Doubt, slight jealousy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-13
Updated: 2017-03-13
Packaged: 2018-10-04 09:50:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10274159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blueelvewithwings/pseuds/blueelvewithwings
Summary: Fenris wants Anders, but Anders kisses Nathaniel. Fenris does  not take it well, and in the end it is Nathaniel who saves the day.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is not beta-read, and I am very insecure about my portrayal of Nathaniel. I hope you enjoy it anyway.  
> I was given a prompt from kittenmage: Fenders. Jealousy. Nathaniel stays in Kirkwall for a while after being 'saved' from the Deep Roads and tries to rekindle his relationship with Anders. Fenris does not take it well.

Somehow Nathaniel's lips seemed to feel different on his now, different than they had before. Still good, but he couldn't melt into the kiss as he had before. It was more of a prolonged peck, really, before he pulled back and let his eyes flit about the room. No one seemed to have noticed anything, nor would anyone care, he knew that. He was free to kiss whoever he wanted. Nothing really seemed amiss, even though Fenris was mopping up some spilled wine which was strange because he never seemed to be the clumsy type and spill something. Not that he was ever watching the elf or anything. He would never.  
„Is this not right?“ The quiet question pulled his attention back to the man before him, and he smiled at him distractedly. It was so weird, to see him again after so long, to be in his arms again. It was something he had longed after for so long, especially on the nights after Karl had gone, when he had just wished for Karl's arms around him or Nate's arms around him or maybe both of them at once.   
And yet, when Nate cupped his cheek to draw him into another kiss it occured to him that the calloused spots on his hands were differently placed than those on Fenris'. Must be because Nate was an archer, not a warrior. Strange, why would he be thinking of Fenris' hands while kissing Nate?  
He sighed a little and pulled the archer a little closer to him and deepened the kiss, and yet, it did not feel right. Maybe it was just Justice being a stick in the ass again.  
That thought got him the mental equivalent of a threatening growl and the threat of a rant about injustice, so he quickly assured the spirit that he had only meant that in jest, and not seriously.   
„Let's... maybe go home? Maybe we can continue this in private?“  
It surely was just that. He simply was not accustomed to showing affection in public still, so he would be more comfortable in private. He took Nathaniel's hand, and with a little wave to Hawke and an apologetic shrug to Isabela who seemed to have hoped for a show, they slid out of the door.

What he did not know was that he was leaving behind a very sour-faced elf glaring daggers at the archer he was taking home.

########

The glass made a satisfying sound when it shattered on the wall, but it was not loud enough, not satisfying enough for him. He took the bottle he had currently been drinking from and hurled it at the wall as well, but the added wine within the glass did not make that much of a difference. He huffed and grabbed the next bottle, throwing it against the wall as well.  
Only after he had silently thrown a bunch of bottles against the wall, watching them all shatter with a quiet sneer on his face did he realise that there was someone standing in the doorway.   
How foolish of him, to let himself go like that, anyone could have come for him and attacked him. He needed to pay more attention again.

As it was, he was only faced with one Nathaniel Howe, and that was the person he wanted to see least of all at the moment. It had hurt so much, to see him walk in there like he owned the place, to share a few looks with Anders and to then just take the mage in his arms and kiss him. The mage that he had been pining for for years, the mage that he had quietly tried to court for years, only to be rejected again and again. And here he was, the blighted Warden, and just walked up to him and kissed him right in front of everyone, as if he didn't have a care in the world.   
And then Anders had taken him home, and Fenris could only assume what they had done there. They probably had shared the mage's bed. The archer had probably pleased Anders, more than Fenris ever could. He looked like he knew what he was doing, like he had experience, whereas Fenris only had his one night with Hawke that had gone so very wrong. He didn't know anything. What had he even been thinking, hoping that the mage would ever grace him with his attention, or maybe a kiss. He would never be good enough for that. 

He looked up then and forced his face into a civil expression.  
„Warden Howe. What can I do for you?“   
Nathaniel slowly entered the room and looked around, raising an eyebrow as he looked at the pile of shattered glass in one corner.  
„I just came to thank you for coming to my rescue, even if I did not need it. Are you quite well?“   
Fenris scoffed and grabbed the next bottle of wine, though he just opened this one and took a sip from it instead of shattering it against the wall.   
„I am well.“ He simply said and sat down, indicating the other chair for the Warden to sit as well.  
„I trust you find Kirkwall and the company you found quite agreeable?“ It must be nice to be able to just walk up to someone, pull them into a kiss and then end up getting late.  
Instead of any reaction he might have had, however, Howe's lips simply turned up slightly at the end.   
„I do not find the city agreeable at all. My company seemed to be quite agreeable to begin with, and I was hoping to rekindle some of the romance we had before he ran off, but...“ He stared into the flames in the fireplace and reached over to take another bottle of the wine, opening it to drink from it without bothering to ask.  
„Let's say it like this. If someone calls a name in bed with me I would wish for it to be my name. Not the name of someone my date was staring at all night and is probably pining after.“  
Fenris felt himself frowning at that. „The mage is pining for someone? I had not realised he had been interested in anyone. Not that it is any of my business.“  
Nathaniel stood, placing his barely touched wine bottle down again, and walked to the door. There, he turned back and spoke once more. „It might just be your business, Lord Fenris. I do not know anyone else with your name, and Anders speaks quite clearly in bed.“  
With that, he left, leaving Fenris gaping and shocked.   
He heard the door fall closed, and stood, intending to go after the Warden, to demand an explanation. Why would he come here and tell him this? Give him hope for something that could never be? If Anders could have Nathaniel, could have Hawke, why would he want Fenris then?  
He walked out of the room and was halfway down the stairs before he realised he was not alone.  
Anders was there.  
Anders was there, and he looked as pale and shocked as Fenris felt, staring at him like he was a spirit or a vision.  
„I'm sorry, I... I did not mean to disturb you, I'll just.... go.“  
With that, the mage turned around and hurried towards the door, but a call from Fenris stopped him.  
„Is he right, mage? Did you call my name last night?“  
Anders looked down, swallowing a little and then raising his eyes, looking just about anywhere but Fenris.   
„Yes.“  
„Why?“  
„Fenris, have you seen yourself? You're gorgeous! You're gorgeous and you have this dry sense of humour and you're smart and compassionate and kind even though you pretend you are not and how could I see you and not want you? But I know you'd never want an apostate mage that's also an abomination so I never even tried. I don't need to give you more fodder to humiliate me, but it seems I did now. Are you happy now? The shappy sewer mage wants you, now you can laugh about it and give me a pass and be done with it.“  
That was what Anders thought about him? That he was gorgeous? And he wanted him but thought he would reject him? How could he ever reject someone like Anders?  
„But mage... do you not know that I have been courting you?“ He was the one who did not look at the other now.   
„All those little gifts where you wondered where they had come from... they were from me. I wished for you to notice me, but I did not think I had succeeded. I deemed you far above my level, and did not think you would ever grace me with your affection...“  
He looked at Anders then, just in time to see him coming closer, and then his back was against the wall and the mage's lips were against his and it was perfect, so perfect. It was everything he had ever dreamed about, and he closed his eyes and let his arms wrap around Anders' waist as he leaned into the kiss. Was this was kisses were supposed to feel like? He hoped so, for this was the best feeling that he could imagine.   
When they finally broke apart, Fenris simply leaned forward and rested his head on Anders' chest. „Mage... I wish to court you properly now. But I know... I do not have experience in relationships. I might not be... as good as you-“ He was cut off by another kiss.  
„Fenris. If we both want this, we will do this, as slowly as we need and want. There is no need to rush anything. And believe me, lack of experience is nothing you should be afraid of. I will gladly guide you when you are unsure.“  
Fenris smiled at Anders, and only when he saw the mage's stunned expression did he realise that this was probably the first time he had ever smiled at the mage.   
A knock on the door made him jump a little, but seeing Nathaniel peek his head in was not a surprise anymore.  
„Just so you know, as retribution for last night and as reward for getting you together I'm telling all of this to Varric. In vivid detail.“


End file.
